My friend 'Ruart'
by Blue Smarties Are Back
Summary: Darren has a friend...but is he imaginary or is he real? Larten Gavner and Harkat haven't taken well to Ruart, but Darren swears he exists. Read this and see what you think!
1. Chapter 1

Darren's "real" friend

Darren's "real" friend

So here we go again, back up to good old vampire mountain. We made it ¾ of the way but then I realised I'd forgotten my pickle jar. I love that pickle jar. Ruart gave it me. Have I told you about Ruart? Everyone loves Ruart. Larten and Gavner are jealous as they do not know good old Ruart.

"Darren!" Larten shouted. "You aren't talking about Ruart again are you?"

"Yes! Yes I am!" I retorted. "Let me tell you about my friend Ruart."

"Well you see me and Ruart met on holiday in the good old month of July. I was in Eastbourne, notorious for its young and hip population. Well you see I was alone in a park and I fell off the swing, as I wasn't paying attention to the fact I was falling, and I hit my head very hard and Ruart happened to walk past and laugh, I then stalked him all of the holiday. Good old Ruart." I explained "Huh? Larten, where are you?"

I ran after Larten and Gavner. I had over done myself with these 7 paces and must stop to regain my energy and take a puff of my Bricanal asthma inhaler. I caught up with them and felt they had been mocking me again. They were jealous of my new companion and therefore rejected the notion of his existence. Oh Ruart. I wish he were here now so that I could play Cluedo with him. How I love Cluedo. Though it does confuse me –how could you kill someone with a candlestick? I spend many hours wondering this late at night.

"Creps?"

"What Darren? What do you want?" he shouted

"Well…" I started.

"Well what?" he asked

"LET ME FINISH" I shouted "I was just wondering… If you would do me a favour, a special favour"

"What_ are_ you on about Darren?! We must hurry up, Gavner's storming ahead of us, and we'll never catch up if you don't spit it out!"

"Well it's do with your hair… I mean the way you get it so orange, maybe you could… you know… dye it?"

"Why!" he shouted, offended. "My hair is who I am. How could you even suggest such a thing?"  
"Well, it's just… Ruart has orange hair. I don't want him to feel that you are a threat."

Larten glared at me, a strong hard glare. He turned on his heels and left. I felt extremely upset my friend and benefactor Larten's behaviour that I ran to my friend Harkat in tears.

"Do you know what Harkat?"

"What…Darren?" he huffed

"You remind me of Ruart…his face once had stitches in too"

Harkat just stared, I feel I had offended yet another of my companions.

Later that night, while we were eating our tea of Saag Aloo, my favourite curry ever, Gavner Harkat and Larten announced they wanted to have a discussion with me.

"Waassu?" I asked mouth full of potato.

"Well…" Harkat begun. "We just … feel that you… feel that … we are… inferior … to your…friend … Ruart."

"What lefty here is trying to say is that would you please SHUT UP about Ruart?" Gavner shouted.

"It really pisses us off." Larten added, nodding.

"YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS" I screamed storming off to a near by tree, to then go back and get my curry and sit back down again.

Ruart likes trees. He is somewhat of a bark fanatic. Well this is being modest; he is a bark, moss and fungi expert. He showed me his collection whilst in Eastbourne, it was _most_ fascinating! I Hope to start my own collection someday. In fact, there is no time like the present! I set about looking for bark moss and fungi to make into a collection which I could later show off to Ruart. He will be so impressed I thought to myself while looking for bark moss and fungi. Rare Vampire Mountain bark, moss and fungi! Wow!

However my spirits soon were crushed when I discovered I had nowhere to store the bark, moss and fungi. Furthermore, I (and I hate to admit this) could not easily tell the difference between different types of Bark Moss and Fungi. I tried stuffing the bark and moss up my t-shirt, but that just made come out in a terrible rash…so I gave up, again.

"Darren, stop it with the moss"

"But…"

"I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THAT NAME"

"It's a present for R-….. I mean…. Buart!

"YOU JUST CHANGED THE FIRST LETTER"

I didn't know what to say so I just walked into my tent, cradling my bark, moss and fungi pile. I would tell Gavner about Ruart and my bark, moss and fungi pile in the morning.

Later that night, Larten and I sat out under the stars, him teaching me about the many stories they tell.

"Tell me more! I want to know all about the constellations!" I exclaimed in excitement. For almost four minutes I didn't think about Ruart. But then… I saw a piece of moss and I was reminded. Tonight I would have sweet dreams about Ruart….

To be continued

As Ruart would say to me when we finished a game


	2. Chapter 2

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!" I sang joyfully, skipping to his tent. Well it was more like a bin than a tent.

"FUCK OFF, LET ME SLEEP," He shouted.

"My my, who is a little grumpy today," I giggled, poking him in his eye.

"Ger-Off-Me" he mumbled rolling over and squashing me in the process. I couldn't breath! I made a comment about this but I think I must have offended him, because the next thing I knew he was sat in a corner with his arms wrapped around his knees.

"Gavvvvy" I cooed going over to comfort him.

"You always comment about my weight… It's not my fault I'm BIG BONED"

"Hush now my dumpling"

"SEEE!!!" I laughed at his out burst, I'd forgotten what I'd come to ask him now.

"Just leave me alone, Darren. I'm not in the mood." He huffed, rolling over and folding his arms. I tried to make light conversation but he seemed somewhat disinterested in the weather and the Britain's Got Talent final. After poking him several times and still getting no reply I decided to give up. I left his tent and went to see my good friend Ruart.

"Hey Ruart, what brings you to these parts?" I asked.

"Well! The moss bark and fungi is very rare and exotic here. I just had to get some of my own!!" he exclaimed.

"Ah." I sighed "I did try and collect some for you but I wasn't too successful…I came out in a rash."

He laughed.

"You were always coming out in rashes when I showed you my collection, I told you that moss, fungi and bark hunting isn't for you," He said ruffling my hair.

"Oi! Any who how's Cyrus?" I asked.

"A handful, you know, he is always trying to kill himself," he sighed.

"RuART!!!! A BEAR!!! IT'S A BEAR!! IT WANTS TO KILL ME!" screamed a girl near by.

"That's Cyrus; I better go, see you later sexy."

And with one brisk movement Ruart was cradling me in his arms, devouring me. I loved every second. Till I fell over and hit my head on a tent peg. It hurt. I must have slipped into one of my day dreams as Ruart was leaving – that boy is sexy. My hot bf (best friend!) and I will surely meet again. Just then Crepsley crawled out from his tent looking stern – yeah stern, is an emotion isn't it?

"Why are you looking so stern Creps?"

"That is to you, I have heard you have been bulling little Gavner! You know he is sensitive about his weight"

"Whateveeeeeeeer" I mumbled

"To the naughty corner now!" I looked at his before walking away – he's stern alright.

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww = (" I said. That's right. I said a sad face.

I trotted off to the naughty corner (by a tree) and sat for 30 minutes (a minute for every year of my age). When I was done, I went back to camp, only to find it was… EMPTY!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" I screamed, falling to my knees. Tears were streaming down my face. It started to rain, and I ripped my shirt to reveal my muscular chest. After ten minutes of sheer angst, I stood up again to see Gavner and Crepsley stood at the edge of the camp site, giving each other strange looks.

"Erm…hi there" I giggled, slightly embarrassed.

"Come on" Mr Crepsley said, hoisting me up.

"You know, if Ruart was here right now, he would comfort me and give me a little kiss." Hint hint.

"Too bad he does not exist" he sighed, he sounded fed up. Was I a nuisance to him? Did he wish I didn't existence? Was he repenting for ever blooding me?

"I'M SORRY CREPSLEY" I bawled "I...didn't…I didn't…I mean…I…I'm sorry I exist"

"Whatever made you think that" He looked directly into my eyes, with a sincere expression on his face. I loved those eyes of his they were two beautiful hazel pearls to me. Second to that of my friend Ruarts. Oh Ruart the thought of my bf brought a smile to my face.

"There we go, its good to see a smile back on your face boyo" Boyo, I smiled more and hugged him closer.

"Why do you hate me?" That took him by surprise and he sat me down with one hand on my shoulder. A very fatherly pose I thought.

"I don't hate you Darren… I … it is just my time of the month" he mumbled.

"WHAT-!?!" I SCREAMED.

"Settle down Darren, I am due for a bath as soon as we get to the mountain, Gavner too now I think of it"

Right on queue Gav poked his head around the tea door singing "My teas gone cold I'm wondering whhhhhy I got out of bed at all"

"What are you on about?"

"Just practicing my rapping skills to show off to the guys at the mountain, I'll show that Kurd-a who's G"

"Well I know all the Eminem songs off by heart, and I've got to let you know you're singing the chorus – that's sung by a girl." That wiped that smug smile right off his face. I really should remember to stop picking on him so much.

"I….e I will always love you." I sung, barely audibly. I saw Gavner look up. "I will always love you!" I sung, louder this time.

"Thanks Darren."

"You see. It's ok to sing womanly songs."

Later that day, we were walking up a hill. I felt faint, and suddenly blacked out.

"Goodness!" I heard Gavner say. "Call for help!"

"Help." Crepsley said.

"Thanks. Lets carry him up this wee hill yonder."

"Kay."

Crepsley grabbed my foot. Gavner grabbed my bottom. They dragged me up the hill. At the top, I recovered my composition.

"Thank goodness you were there to help me!" I cried.

"Its ok." Gavner winked.

"I wasn't talking to you… thanks Ruart!" I cried, and waved to my friend.

He waved back. I'm glad I didn't walk up that hill, it would hurt my poor girly knees.

That's right – I faked the whole blacking out! (I am lazy.)


	3. Chapter 3

"I spy with my little eye something beginning with T" I said.

"Darren, we are not playing that stupid and tedious game" complained Larten

"Aww, come one, it's a good one" I goaded him on

"Tree?"

"No!!"

"I give up" he huffed

"Tramp" I sniggered pointing in the way of Gavner.

"That's IT!" Gavner screamed. "I have had enough of this constant harassment!"

And with that, he ran off in tears to the unknown and hazardous woods of Vampire Mountain.

"Not the unknown and hazardous woods of Vampire Mountain!" Screamed Larten. But it was too late. Gavner was gone.

"He'll be back." I said, smugly. "And to pass the time until he returns, how about a quick game of Buckaroo?"

"I hate that game!"

"That's only because you can't read the instructions on how to play it"

"Darren, you have just gone too far, you are just a bully. And you know what they say about bullies!"

"They are just misunderstood?"

"No! No one likes a bully!" And with a huff and little shuffle, he too went into the woods.

"They'll be back." Came a voice.

"Ruart? Is it you? Oh old friend am I glad to see you."

"Yes, your bf is here to stay!"

And my heart danced as it always does when sexy Ruart comes to see me. We laughed and joked and drunk wine and made love. We watched the sun set and counted the stars. I felt my bf (best friend) was finally becoming my bf (boyfriend) and I couldn't have been happier.

"Ruart, will you be my bf?" I shyly asked.

"I am your best friend" he giggled, cupping my bottom.

"I meant will you be my boyfriend?"

"No"

"Oh"

"Well bye, thanks for the sex whore" he winked and ran off into the distance, his sexy bottom in my view.

"Oh." I said, looking round the empty camp. I was alone again.  
"Gavner!" I screamed. "Please forgive me! I'm sorry." But there was no reply. I was so lonely and felt abandoned. And that's what made me do it. I reached for the Scotch… and drunk until the end of the night…

"Darren… Darren… DARREN!!" Screamed someone.

"Whad yoo whant?" I muffled

"Come on you lazy bottom, we need to be heading off now"

"I'll walk in the morning, go back to bed"

And with that I was whisked over Gavners shoulders and carried.

"Gavner you stink"

"FUCK OFF THEN" he started to cry.

"Gavner, calm down, pass the boy here, I will hold him for you"

"Whay dew we hath to go now?" I screamed.

"Darren, are you drunk?" Crepsley asked.

"Well duhhh!" I rolled my eyes.

"Darren, wake up!" I was being shaken.

"I dnt unger…sand… Is it tim for scewl?" I muttered.

"No, you freak"

"Who ARE yooo?" I pointed at a man. "And who AM I on?"  
"You are indeed on me, Larten Crepsley and the man you are pointing at is poor old Gavner, the one you bully"

"MEEEE?!?! BULLY?!?! I do apologise!"

And it was at that fatal moment I made the decision to form a new year's resolution.

"I, Darren Shan, vow never to bully, torment, harass, hassle, intimidate or aggravate anyone ever again, by pain of death. If I ..."

"Darren, you do realise it is September?" Larten interrupted.

"Well excuse me for trying to do something for the good of this world you illiterate bafo..."

"Darren... your oath?"

"...Lovely man who I greatly admire and respect." I quickly covered. Wow I had no idea how smooth / sly I was!!!  
"Since you have sobered up now, can you please disembark?"  
"Me ii z well drunk innit!" The truth of the matter was I was actually incredibly lazy.

He threw me.

"Hey!! Why did you throw me?"  
"Well the thing is, you would not have got me if I had not"

"You are so mean, after all I do for you, and you can't even carry your own assistant for a little while. I thought of you like a father and a saint even, but then you toss me a side like I'm worthless!! I see where this is going, I guess I should just go and kill myself since I know I'm not wanted!" I sobbed  
"Darren!" he was shocked, my plan had worked. I Grinned. "Look, i never thought that you had that much respect for me. Go on then, but only for a little while"

"YAY!" I leapt on his back.


End file.
